I don’t want to die yet.

This blog post has nothing to do with books and everything to do with weight loss. If you’re interested in my fat rolls, keep reading. If not, you can get back to your lovely day.

I want to talk about weight loss because I’m about to embark on a really difficult journey and I want you to join me, or at least yell at me when I try to give up.

I haven’t always been overweight. Most of my life I was very healthy and active, up until I had my first child. I gained about 70lbs. during that pregnancy and dropped very little of it after the birth. I then became pregnant again, and again, and again. In a matter of four years, I was pregnant four times and each time I gained a ridiculous amount of weight.

I started out my first pregnancy weighing 175 pounds, which I feel was a good weight for my height. I’m 5’9”, and while 175 might still be considered overweight for that height, I was very happy and healthy at that weight.

In the last ten years since my last child was born, I’ve fluctuated between 250-285 pounds. I’ve done every diet you can think of, and successfully failed at all of them. At least I’m consistent!

I’m not an active person. 100% of my job requires sitting at a computer. I drink a crap-ton of Diet Pepsi while I write, along with snacking, snacking, snacking.

But here’s where weight issues really bother me. Almost every book I’ve read on weight loss (not that I’ve read that many) discusses how people have addictions to food because of emotional or psychological issues, and in order to achieve weight loss, a person must first overcome whatever causes their addiction to food.

This is crap to me. I’m sure it’s true in a lot of cases, but I think a lot of weight issues are due to the fact that food is good and we aren’t educated properly when it comes to nutrition. A love of food doesn’t necessarily have to stem from a mental or emotional issue. I have a very happy life.

I’m not fat because I refuse to overcome some emotional trauma that causes me to overeat. I overeat because food tastes really good and I freaking love it. And I’m lazy. And I hate working out. Simple as that.

My husband and I both love to eat. He’s not the type of man who has or would ever comment on my weight, so I’ve never felt that pressure to be thin for anyone. I’m not huge into self-maintenance and looks, so the fact that I’m overweight has never really bothered me. When I look in the mirror, I’m happy with myself. Yes, I’m overweight. Yes, I wish I could have a perfect body. But if I have to decide between chocolate and being sexy, I’m going with the chocolate.

I’m overweight simply because I consume too many calories. Because chocolate is good. And eating is fun. And my life is stressful, so when I want to take a break from work, I find enjoyment in food and watching TV.

However, this mindset is going to kill me if I don’t do something about it. I’m starting to feel the effects of the excess weight in both my health and my psychological well-being. When I was 29 years old and overweight, I used the excuse that I could lose weight in the future, before it started having a negative impact on my health. Well…I’m 36 now and I’m still overweight and it’s starting to scare me. I really like my life. I really like my kids. I’m fairly certain I love both my life and my family more than I love food, so I’d like to do something about it before it’s too late.

I have weighed many options, including weight loss surgery. That seems to be the easiest and fastest way, but I’m going to be honest. That terrifies me.

I have friends who have had surgeries such as the gastric sleeve, bypass, etc. and it seems to have worked out well for most of them. Two months ago I had a consultation to have elective weight loss surgery. I went into the appointment thinking I was going to schedule the surgery, but I left the appointment scared to death.

No carbonated drinks for the rest of my LIFE?

Dude. That means no Diet Pepsi. Forever.

And no carbs?

Dude. What would I eat?

I want to lose weight and I want to be healthy, but I’m not about to completely give up junk food and Diet Pepsi. Those are two of my favorite things. I want a healthier relationship with food, but I also want to be able to enjoy my favorite foods for the rest of my life. I don’t feel like I’ve given it a good enough go on my own to make the decision to remove part of my stomach for all of eternity. That really freaks me out and I’m kind of a chicken, so let’s just say I haven’t been brave enough to take that step.

I’ve decided to try this the old fashioned way. Counting calories and exercising. Both of these things suck, but being dead sucks even more, so I’m giving it a go.

I don’t want to flood my social media with my weight loss posts, because I know some of you may not care. So I’m creating an instagram that is strictly for this weight loss journey. You can follow me at www.instagram.com/colleenloses if you’re interested, or if you want to join me on your own weight loss journey. Starting tomorrow, I’ll be posting very real updates on my weight loss. If I cheat, you will witness it. You will also see me weigh in every Friday, starting with today.

Yes. I have revealed my true weight to the world and it’s terrifying.

I also bought a fitbit that I’m going to wear every day, even though I probably only average about 1,000 steps a day right now. I won’t be in competition with anyone but myself, but if you have a fitbit, friend request me using the email address colleenloses@gmail.com

I’d love for people to join me on this journey. Time permitting, I may start a Facebook group, but right now I’m only updating via instagram. I’ll be using the hashtag #ColleenLoses for all my posts. If you decide to join me in my journey, make sure to tag all your weight loss related instagram posts with #ColleensLosers and I’ll have weight-loss related giveaways every Friday through my instagram account. I’ll pull winners from the #ColleensLosers hashtag. If you don’t have instagram…get an instagram! It’s the best thing ever!

For now, I won’t be promoting any particular diet. Individuals lose weight in many different ways, so I think the most important thing is to find a diet that best suits your own needs. For myself, I plan on counting calories and making healthier choices from here on out. I don’t plan on giving up my Diet Pepsi anytime soon, but I do want to incorporate more water into my diet.

If you’re ready to get started with me, head on over to www.instagram.com/colleenloses and join my giveaway for a brand new fitbit!


180 thoughts on “I don’t want to die yet.

  1. I’m 34 and I just started my journey 2 weeks ago. I’m short, only 5’2″ but have weight problems since I was little girl. After 2 pregnancies it just got worse. And this time I decided to go all the way. So I’m happy to be with you on this and I hope we’ll celebrate together when we accomplish this task! ❤

  2. Another author I follow religiously is doing the same thing. I have almost always been very heavy. I topped the scale while pregnant with my youngest at 258. I have been as small at 135 but looked like a meth addict. The weight I look best at, like you, is between 170-180. I have been struggling to lose weight this go around for over a year. It is a long hard road, but you can do it.

  3. Good luck Colleen! I’ve been in a weight loss funk for about a year, I did really well a few years ago and dropped a couple of stones and now I need to get back into it. I am 30 this week and want to start my 30’s feeling good about myself!

    It’s great to hear the truth sometimes and I, like you am not overweight because of emotional trauma, it’s because I like to eat… I love chocolate and carbs and I can’t be arsed to get out in to the gym and do some cardio! It’s just the way it is!

    This post and imstagram page has come at the perfect time and I’ll be checking in for sure!

  4. I have read all the diet books and I’ve tried most of the diets. I have been “overweight” for some time–read “years”. This is who I follow: Dr. Jason Fung. He has his book coming out in mid-March. Here’s the link.

    Here is his blog which I think the book will cover all these topics in good detail and what he is getting at. https://intensivedietarymanagement.com/how-do-we-gain-weight-calories-part-1/

    This blog post will tee you up to his lectures, which, frankly, is where you should start. It will be overwhelming at first and then you will have a “eureka” moment like I did.

    Here is the series of videos where he takes you through everything. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpllomiDMX0 I watched all six, devoting an entire day and became a convert to his way of thinking.

    I bet you are insulin resistant or close to it. Within a few videos | a few hours I think you will be convinced that it is NOT about “calories in and calories out” nor exercise. It is this. Insulin. We have to control insulin and keep it low and prevent it from spiking. For years, all I’ve done is spike my insulin with low-fat skinny lattes and diet soda while my family ate all the fun stuff and people made fun of me for eating a burger without the bun… And yes, it was always half-assed attempts like this and then the swig of a skinny latte or a diet drink that killed my efforts although I didn’t know that.

    I’ve been doing intermittent fasting as Dr. Fung encourages for the past three weeks. I’m trying to get my blood pressure down and have it stay there AND lose 80 pounds and weigh 131 pounds again. I’m losing fat (11 pounds so far); and yet, I’m eating fat in my diet while eliminating most carbs and eating in a four to six hour window.

    The bad news? Your Diet Pepsi has to go. Sorry. I loved it, too, at one point. The thing is your body treats Diet Pepsi like sugar and it raises your insulin level just like sugars/carbohydrates do and stores this stuff as fat when you are insulin resistant and it doesn’t know what to do with it. Diet Pepsi, low fat foods, sugar and carbohydrates are all probably what is causing you to gain weight or keep weight on. Yeah. It’s true.

    Colleen, I have pretty much read every diet book ever written. Seriously, I can send you a photograph of the two bookshelves of diet books I have if you want. Perricone, Summers, Schwarzbein, Adkins, South Beach, etc… Just today I was telling my husband that I feel like I can finally just load up all those books in a box and give them away.

    People have shamed me for years saying you eat too much, while I generally skipped the ice cream and cake and had the diet soda drink instead. I tried exercise and took up kick-boxing four years ago and lost weight but not enough. Then, my doctor told me that I needed to do more cross-training beyond the elliptical and kick-boxing and lift weights, too. It was so discouraging; I just stopped everything. No exercise for four years. Everybody tells me to just start with a walk. A walk has seemed like too much. Until recently.

    Following an intermittent fasting program has helped me. I actually feel pretty good. Over Christmas, I read a book called The Bulletproof Diet that started me down the intermittent fasting path that led me to Dr. Jason Fung. I stay with the Bulletproof coffee and do the fasting for 18 hours a day most of the time.

    There’s something freeing about fasting. You’ll see. All I can tell you is that the intermittent fasting and eating real food is beginning to make a difference for me.

    I don’t normally comment or jump in on stuff like this, but I committed to my own fat loss journey and since you are at the beginning of yours I thought I should save you from wasting your time going down a rabbit hole that carries the adage of calories in/calories out, exorbitant amounts of exercise and/or low-fat foods or, God forbid, surgery! DO NOT do that. Dr. Fung talks about that, too. His logic will make so much sense to you. He is curing his patients of Type II Diabetes. Curing them.

    Just watch one of his videos. Take an hour for yourself and see if Dr. Fung’s idea of intermittent fasting and keeping your insulin reaches out you like it did me. If you have more questions, please feel free to reach out to me.

    Best to you,

    Katherine Owen

  5. I just recently started my weight loss journey as well, around a month ago and have lost 20 lbs. I am doing it the old fashioned way too, by counting calories and exercise. I am so excited to see one of my favorite authors doing the same! Challenge accepted and you can do this!

  6. I am doing weight watchers and you can still eat your snacks, just takes the place of something else. Can track foods online. So easy i love it

  7. Colleen, I’m so glad to see you post this. I have always been over weight but just 2 years ago I reached over 400 pounds and finally decided to do something beyond simple dieting about it. I went through weight loss surgery and will not regret it. I had the gastric sleeve in July of 2014 and have since lost 150 pounds. Yes the eating of such low carbs is tough, but it can be done and I always thought I would miss my Diet Mtn Dews but I’ve had less than 4 oz since the March before my surgery. I constantly drink hot tea now or crystal light in my water.
    One suggestion I have for you for counting your calories or anything else (I count carbs with it) is the website/app called Myfitnesspal.com . It is a wonderful site and you can friend people there as well.

    Good luck in your weight loss!

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