The womb that birthed me…



This is my mom.


This is my mom on drugs.


Oh, wait.  That’s just her doing yoga.

I’m blogging about my mother today, because this marks a really huge day for her.  SHE’S RETIRING TOMORROW.  It’ll be her last day, so I took her out to eat tonight. We were on our way to celebrate at RED LOBSTER, but the weather had other plans.  Instead, we went to FURRS with all of the other really old people who do things like retire, so that I could show her what she has to look forward to.

While we were there, she begins telling about a ticket she got today for speeding in a school zone.  Here’s the ticket.  And my mom.


She was really upset and at first I felt bad for her.  She claimed she was only going 30 in a 20 and she had no idea it was a school zone, yet the officer didn’t have any sympathy for her.  She said she expected to at least just get a warning.  I told her that it was a school zone, they’re much less lenient when it comes to the potential vehicular manslaughter of children.  She says, “I know!  But this is the THIRD TIME I’ve been pulled over in that same spot!  You would think they would know the school zone there is an issue.”

Yep.  You heard that right.  THIRD TIME!  SAME school zone.  Yet…she’s confused?  Oh, mother.  Too much yoga in your younger years?

Speaking of my mother in her younger years, I love this pic of her and my amazeballs step-dad. They look so sweet and in love here.


And here’s one of her before she retired.  Way before.  WAY WAY WAY before. It’s one of my favorites of her. Seriously. Gawjess.


Don’t get me wrong.  My mother may be beautiful and sweet-looking, which is why people buy her presents all the time.  But her reaction to them is anything BUT sweet and innocent.  If she doesn’t like a gift, she’ll let you know.  Take this pic for example. This is why we never buy you presents, mother.


But even though she’s strange and weird most of the time, at least her brother is normal.  Here’s a pic of her with him.  We call him Uncle Mike, but he prefers the term, “Dirty Girl.”


Here’s a pic of me and Husband making out in our hotel room a few weeks ago.  This has nothing to do with my mom retiring, but this pic grosses her out so I thought I’d add it.


And here is a pic to help you all recover from the above pic.  This is my mom on the phone with Bret Michaels.  My sister is the one next to him with the fangirl grin.  Yes.  She got backstage and actually made Bret Michaels call my mother.  (Dear Avett Brothers…if I ever meet you, I swear I will not do this to you.)


Really, though.  This blog post isn’t about my mother’s speeding habits, drug habits, weird siblings, fangirl daughters or anything of the sort.  This blog post is just a good luck post to the woman who birthed two of the best, most beautiful children in the world.


Wait.  That came out backward.  I meant this blog post is all about the best, most beautiful mother in the world.

Really.  She is.  Sorry everyone else.

And tomorrow is her very last day at her traditional job.  Now she gets to have fun and do her dream job, which is (get ready for the plug) her new store at the world’s largest flea market in Canton, Tx!  (Plug over)

Here’s a pic of her and bigger sister and aunt at their new first-Monday trade days home.


And this pic of their store might be unnecessary, but it’s so pretty at night!


So mother, I really do wish you the very best and I’m so happy you worked so hard all these years so that I could have the best example of how someone should live their life.  Here are a few of the lessons I remember you teaching me throughout the years.

1) It’s not about money.  It’s about happiness.

2) Don’t lick the salt blocks in the pasture, Colleen.  They’re for the cows.

3) Quit threading live grasshoppers from a needle and hanging them on your sister’s bedroom door.  It’s mean.

4) Sometimes it’s about money, too.  But only if you’re still happy.

5) You can’t walk around naked, anymore.  You’re 12 years old and you have boobs now, Colleen. Go put a shirt on.

6) Classic rock can cure anything.

7) Are these frog guts, Colleen?  Seriously?  You can’t put frog guts on the kitchen table.

8) You can’t keep a mouse in a jar without poking holes in the lid, Colleen.  How many times do I tell you that rodents need oxygen, too?

9) You can’t walk around naked, anymore.  You’re 15 years old and you have boobs now, Colleen.  Go put a shirt on.

(I may still be working on numbers five and nine, but the rest of your advice I took to heart.)

Now go have fun not working ever again until you die.

Behind the scenes.

I have to say…today turned out pretty fun.  I was really, really nervous and pretty much terrified about the interview with Nightline. See?  Self-portrait an hour before taping.



But the crew from ABC were so incredibly down to earth and friendly.  Here’s a shot of me with the beautiful Juju Chang.



The readers and bloggers that were asked to come back really stole the show in the best way possible.  It was an incredible experience hearing them read excerpts and poems from my books, as well as from Tammara Webber and Cora Carmack’s books.  Here’s a shot of us all with Juju.


After the interview, ABC sent a couple of cameramen to the house to shoot some footage for the show.  Here’s a pic of them setting the cameras up.  Hazel was camera-shy, so she ran away.  Although…she was really probably just running from me.




I’ll admit, it was really strange when they were shooting footage and I didn’t know what to do.  There was one point where they were filming me in my office and they were asking me to type something, but I had no idea what to type.  Here’s a pic of them setting up in my office.



So…I sat at my computer and had to open word and actually type.  Then they asked my mother to sit over my shoulder and watch me type so they could get a shot of the two of us together.  While she was staring over my shoulder, reading what I was writing, I just decided to type exactly what was going on in that moment.  So here’s the paragraphs I typed while the cameras were rolling…

I have no idea what to type so I’m just pretending to type because I have no idea what to even type so I’m just typing and pretending and typing and pretending and pretending to type and pretending and the camera is in my face and I’m sitting here and it’s really awkward and I hope that he’s not really zooming in on what I’m writing because that would be weird.  I also hope he’s not zooming in on my face because most people have HD TV’s now and that wouldn’t be pretty.

Oh, now they want a shot of my mom and she’s sitting over my shoulder watching me type and she’s trying not to laugh at what she’s reading because she’s trying to act like she does this all the time. She’s acting like she always sits over my shoulder while I write a book but thank goodness she doesn’t, because she’s ANNOYING.  Ouch, she just hit me!!!  Wench!  Ouch, she just hit me again!  Now we can’t stop laughing and I don’t know if they really want us to laugh in this shot or not because they are just standing there with the camera in our face and not really telling us to stop laughing.  

 Okay, now they are setting the camera up on my desk and my mother is trying to organize everything, but I’m pretty sure she’s just getting in the way. Yep.  He told her to sit back down. HAHAHA!  Mom, you got in TROUBLE!

But now the paper is nice and neat and organized, though. The rest of my desk looks like crap.  STOP LAUGHING, MOM!!!  You are ruining the shot, mother!  Oh, my word. 

 This has been going on for fifteen minutes and it feels soooo strange just sitting here while two cameramen just want you to “act natural.” I’m pretty sure they are changing the story for their show to be all about my mother now.  She is photo-bombing every single shot.  I can’t wait until this is on TV because they are going to rename it, “That awesome, photogenic lady who has that one daughter who writes.” 

Now they’ve backed up and aren’t so close to our faces now, which is a little better.  They still want me to pretend I’m typing, so that’s why I’m still pretending to be typing.  Otherwise, I’d be eating supper because I haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast.  It’s okay, mom.  (She just read what I typed and said, “oh, poor baby.”) Oh, good. We’re done.  IT’S A WRAP!


Yeah, so that’s the day in a nutshell.  Except here is a pic of my mom with the camera guy. (Who was really nice, btw.)

.  office


All in all, as nervous as I was, it was such a great experience.  The Nightline episode should air sometime in February, so I’ll let everyone know once I get a date.