The womb that birthed me…



This is my mom.


This is my mom on drugs.


Oh, wait.  That’s just her doing yoga.

I’m blogging about my mother today, because this marks a really huge day for her.  SHE’S RETIRING TOMORROW.  It’ll be her last day, so I took her out to eat tonight. We were on our way to celebrate at RED LOBSTER, but the weather had other plans.  Instead, we went to FURRS with all of the other really old people who do things like retire, so that I could show her what she has to look forward to.

While we were there, she begins telling about a ticket she got today for speeding in a school zone.  Here’s the ticket.  And my mom.


She was really upset and at first I felt bad for her.  She claimed she was only going 30 in a 20 and she had no idea it was a school zone, yet the officer didn’t have any sympathy for her.  She said she expected to at least just get a warning.  I told her that it was a school zone, they’re much less lenient when it comes to the potential vehicular manslaughter of children.  She says, “I know!  But this is the THIRD TIME I’ve been pulled over in that same spot!  You would think they would know the school zone there is an issue.”

Yep.  You heard that right.  THIRD TIME!  SAME school zone.  Yet…she’s confused?  Oh, mother.  Too much yoga in your younger years?

Speaking of my mother in her younger years, I love this pic of her and my amazeballs step-dad. They look so sweet and in love here.


And here’s one of her before she retired.  Way before.  WAY WAY WAY before. It’s one of my favorites of her. Seriously. Gawjess.


Don’t get me wrong.  My mother may be beautiful and sweet-looking, which is why people buy her presents all the time.  But her reaction to them is anything BUT sweet and innocent.  If she doesn’t like a gift, she’ll let you know.  Take this pic for example. This is why we never buy you presents, mother.


But even though she’s strange and weird most of the time, at least her brother is normal.  Here’s a pic of her with him.  We call him Uncle Mike, but he prefers the term, “Dirty Girl.”


Here’s a pic of me and Husband making out in our hotel room a few weeks ago.  This has nothing to do with my mom retiring, but this pic grosses her out so I thought I’d add it.


And here is a pic to help you all recover from the above pic.  This is my mom on the phone with Bret Michaels.  My sister is the one next to him with the fangirl grin.  Yes.  She got backstage and actually made Bret Michaels call my mother.  (Dear Avett Brothers…if I ever meet you, I swear I will not do this to you.)


Really, though.  This blog post isn’t about my mother’s speeding habits, drug habits, weird siblings, fangirl daughters or anything of the sort.  This blog post is just a good luck post to the woman who birthed two of the best, most beautiful children in the world.


Wait.  That came out backward.  I meant this blog post is all about the best, most beautiful mother in the world.

Really.  She is.  Sorry everyone else.

And tomorrow is her very last day at her traditional job.  Now she gets to have fun and do her dream job, which is (get ready for the plug) her new store at the world’s largest flea market in Canton, Tx!  (Plug over)

Here’s a pic of her and bigger sister and aunt at their new first-Monday trade days home.


And this pic of their store might be unnecessary, but it’s so pretty at night!


So mother, I really do wish you the very best and I’m so happy you worked so hard all these years so that I could have the best example of how someone should live their life.  Here are a few of the lessons I remember you teaching me throughout the years.

1) It’s not about money.  It’s about happiness.

2) Don’t lick the salt blocks in the pasture, Colleen.  They’re for the cows.

3) Quit threading live grasshoppers from a needle and hanging them on your sister’s bedroom door.  It’s mean.

4) Sometimes it’s about money, too.  But only if you’re still happy.

5) You can’t walk around naked, anymore.  You’re 12 years old and you have boobs now, Colleen. Go put a shirt on.

6) Classic rock can cure anything.

7) Are these frog guts, Colleen?  Seriously?  You can’t put frog guts on the kitchen table.

8) You can’t keep a mouse in a jar without poking holes in the lid, Colleen.  How many times do I tell you that rodents need oxygen, too?

9) You can’t walk around naked, anymore.  You’re 15 years old and you have boobs now, Colleen.  Go put a shirt on.

(I may still be working on numbers five and nine, but the rest of your advice I took to heart.)

Now go have fun not working ever again until you die.

64 thoughts on “The womb that birthed me…

  1. Absolutely beautiful! Happy retirement to your mother! BTW, she sounds like my mom with the put your shirt on thing

  2. I am so exited for your Mom – she is going to LOVE retirement. And she has an amazing daughter to do this for her. I wish my Mom had been around when I retired so just keep loving her and enjoying her and letting her enrich your life more and more.

  3. Your Momma must be proud of you! What a lovely bond you share. Wishing her the best in retirement… Looks like she will be keeping busy.

  4. You actually threaded live grasshoppers with a needle???? I have four boys and we have yet to experience that in this house. Great post about your mom. Congrats to her!!!

  5. You’re whole family sounds butterflying awesome! I’d like to think if I didn’t live across the whole US from you, that we could actually be real-life friends or you could maybe even adopt me as a sister ;) Okay… that was probably too creepy (sorry) but you really are great!

  6. What a great tribute to your mom. :-)

    My favorite pieces of motherly advice:

    1.) If I ever catch you smoking, I’ll rip your lips off.

    2.) Eat your vegetables … It’ll put hair on your chest.
    (‘Cuz that’s every girl’s dream, right?!?)

  7. Too funny! But it’s nice to see that you have such a good relationship with your mother. Good luck to her with her new adventures. :)

  8. AWWW. I love this and some Noddle. So proud for her. :) You’re amazing Colleen. This blog made me bust out laughing many times! You rock!!! Listen to your voicemail and call a girl back!

  9. How funny! I hope your mother enjoys retirement as much as I have! How lucky to have birthed an amazing person and how lucky for you that she made you get dressed – not that you listen very well… and about those speeding tickets, give us oldsters a break! They probably didn’t have a very big sign stating the rules and the school was probably set way back from the road…

  10. LOVE this post! My Mom is my hero/inspiration/the reason I’m here. She’s the person I love the most and also the person who loves me the most. (It’s kind of a reciprocal relationship).

  11. Congrats to your momma! On the retirement… oh, and on raising two very lovely daughters. Your Uncle Mike is cracking me up…

  12. Oh Colleen!!! I hope my children can see through their own mother’s quirks and love me just as much when the are older and wiser. And just think – at least you learnt that it’s not ok to walk around topless!! Such wisdom!! Your mum rocks girl!! Mwah!!

  13. I love reading your posts. They always make me smile and laugh. I wish your mom the best of luck. Congrats Colleen’s mom!

  14. Awe this explains alot about your writing. You are surrounded by characters! I suppose we all are if we look close enough. Blessings!

  15. That was the sweetest tribute…. Your mother could pass as your sister. She looks good to be retiring…….You are such a good writer, enjoy your books and your blog!!!

  16. I love that you and your mom make the same funny faces! You are hilarious and obviously get that from your mom! Love the school zone being in the way and your life lessons!

  17. Colleen – you are friggin hilarious. Congrats to your mom!
    I can’t believe you have not met the Avett Brothers!! Do they know how many fans that you created from the fallout of Slammed?!

  18. So what is your Mom’s “address” at Canton. You know, Row #, Pavillion? So we can go visit her, buy stuff, a gush over how much we love her daughter’s books.

  19. What a butterflying sweet tribute! Totally love the way you write! You’re lucky to have an amazing family, i can see how you cherish them, even your uncle ; )

  20. I loved all this. My fav, though, was about the salt. I remember being little and testing out the deer licks at my friend’s house out in the country. I knew I liked salt, so why wouldn’t I like GIANT salt. Smart minds.

    And congrats to your mom. That’s pretty amazing.

  21. What a great tribute to your mom!!!! Happy retirement and best of luck on her new adventure on The Mountain! Her store looks cute and i will be spending my money there soon, i’m sure!

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