Mondays suck balls.

***THIS CONTEST ENDED 07/26/2012***

 

So let’s turn this baby around with some good laughs.

Who wants free stuff?  Me! But, I already have about 200 copies of what I’m giving away, so I don’t get any.  :(

But that’s good news for you guys.  July has been a great month.  Probably my favorite month out of the 390-something months I’ve lived so far.  Because of this, I feel like giving away some signed books.  I don’t know how many I’ll give away yet, but I also want to give away a couple of items out of the merchandise store.  :)   So just comment on this blog post with your favorite joke.  We need some good laughs.  Just please, don’t forget to write the punchline.  :P

Also, I’ll be drawing the winner of the Kindle Fire 2 on FRIDAY…it’s supposed to be released in August!  Go here if you haven’t entered yet and comment on the post.

251 Comments

u fucking piece of shit! MONDAYS DOES NOT SUCK BALLS! U SUCK BALLZ!

The media for downloading hasn’t been this easy and quick as it is now.
With close to this much controversy clinging on its
name, it should come as no surprise that several from the world’s police officers authorities
are already looking for ways to shut it down for good.
The free Lyrics Search app can be acquired at the Android Market.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

my joke is that I’m actually trying to tell a funny joke :P

So a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender said “Hey we have a drink named after you!” And the grasshopper shocked and gasp “You have a drink name Steve?!?”

Lmao the bartender told me that joke when he made me a grasshopper drink.

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep? -because of his coffin.

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along for the appointment. The doctor enters the examination room and tells the old man, I need a urine as sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample. The old man being hard of hearing looks at his wife and yells “WHAT???” What did he say? What did he want? His wife just yells back, “He needs your underwear.”

Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Because it wasn’t peeling very well.
sorry if you don’t laugh but it’s my favorite :)

Knock knock
who’s there?
banana head
Banana head who?
(Long pause)
Banana head with a doggie on its head!

Yes, it makes no sense, but to my 3 yr old, it does since she made it up.

Why can’t you be like that?

Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can’t you do that?”

“Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl.”

Okay, so I don’t know any clean jokes that I can rate below PG-13 or R. So I’m going to leave 2 so u can have one dirty joke and then one even dirtier joke. Blame it on all my brothers and guy friends!

1) Q: What’s the difference between a ham sandwich and a blowj*b?
A: Come over to my house for lunch tomorrow and find out!

2) Q: What do you get when you’ve got 2 green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit’s undivided attention!

Here’s a couple of random funnies I saw this week (thanks twitter!):

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance The 5 stages of buying gas.

“I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.”

“I don’t think I could ever stab anyone; I can barely get the straw into a Capri Sun.”

Have a great week y’all! =)

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

My kids fave joke :)
Knock Knock
Who’s There
Cargo
Cargo Who?
Car Go Beep Beep

Husband says to wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived
… I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.” Wife says, “Why not wear Silver and come second for a change.”

A couple corny one/two liners Nick would be proud of: :)

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once shot down a fighter jet by pointing at it and saying “Bang”

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Cause 7, ate, 9. Hubby’s favorite!

This is my fav because I heard it from an elderly resident where I used to work that I adored.
– how do u make a tissue dance?
– u put a little boogie in it! :)
Happy July to you!

Not exactly a joke but….

It’s so hot and dry in texas, the trees are whistling for the dogs!

What’s the difference between hard and light?

– You can sleep with a light on.

Where does General Sherman keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

It is one of the first jokes I ever told my kids!

What do you call a cow with just two legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a cow who just had a baby? De-calfinated

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It’s not hard.

Well since I’m in law school, I figured a lawyer joke would be appropriate :)

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

Why were males created before females?
Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

What did the pasta say to the tomato?
Don’t get saucy with me.
It’s my favorite because it’s the first joke my two year old learned and she told it to everyone we knew. She’s almost nine now and it still makes me smile.

I know it’s Tuesday, but they can suck too sometimes soo….
Why did the librarian keep reading the book on anti-gravity?

It was impossible to put down :)

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys & spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife & was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging & simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by & he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday & Wednesday came & went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

You shouldn’t beat kids. Make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt and a pair of crocs to school so the other kids will do it for you.

Nooooo…I’m not saying you’re stupid. I’m just using hand puppets and other visual aids to explain it in a way you can understand.

Stress… That confusion created when the mind must override the body’s basic desire to choke the living crap out of some idiot who desperately needs it.

One of my first job interviews went something like this…. The interviewer said, “We want to hire responsible people.” I said, “Great!”,”When things go wrong, people always point to me and say “She’s responsible!” That’s when he told me to leave….

A day without dealing with stupid people is like, never mind I’ll let you know if it ever happens.

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are placed around your throat she is probably sightly upset.

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those excat words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

What happened to the mad vampire?
He went a little batty!
:D:D:D

Three men were caught in a storm out at sea and their ship was destroyed. Luckily, there was an island close by that they were able to swim to.

Shortly after setting foot on the island, they were captured by cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader. (They had arrived on a Cannibal Island.)

The cannibal leader told the three men he would let them live if they were able to stick ten same type of fruit up their butt without making a face.

So, the first man was released so he could search for fruit and he came back with ten apple. He starts sticking them up his butt. One, two, three four…. But on the fourth he makes a face and so they kill him and eat him.

The second man goes and comes back with ten blueberries. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine… But on the ninth he starts laughing so they kill him and eat him.

In heaven, the first man asks the second man, “Why did you laugh? You were so close to living!”

The second man says, “Because I saw the next guy coming back with ten pineapples.”

This made me laugh:

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

this joke made me chuckle :P

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer” :D

Why don’t aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny…..hahahaha!!!

My 9 yr old son’s favorite: “Did you know the Oceans have housekeepers? They are called ‘Mermaids’.”

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.He looked at her for a while, then said, “You’re – A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”She asks, “What does that mean?”He replied, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”She smiled happily. “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?”He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

How exciting! Unfortuantely I am a terrible joke teller. HA! Seriously my family hates it but i make smart comments to them at times – ha!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator! :)

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

An elderly couple, in their 80’s, went to a sex therapist’s office and asks the doctor to watch them have sex. The doc is so amazed at such an elderly couple wanting sexual advise that he agrees. After watching them, the doc says, “There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex.” He charges them $50 and they go on their way. The couple returns the next week and again ask the doc to watch them have sex. After several weeks of this, the doc finally asked the couple what they wanted him to find out. The old man replies, “we’re not trying to find out anything. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house, she’s married so we can’t go to her house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving me only $7 to pay to get some ass, & since ur a doctor it’s confidential!

Wanna hear a joke about pizza?

Sorry, never mind. It’s too cheesy…

Courtesy of my favorite 4 year old :)

Ok this is a little long but funny. I borrowed it from a facebook buddy.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.’
The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad’.’Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fir…eball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

When the boogeymangoes to sleep every night he checks his closet for chuck norris.

Q: What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A: A roamin’ Catholic

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

First – love love love the books – read them both today!!! (and I have a job interview for middle school teaching postion in the morning! Ahh! Need sleep;)

My joke (well, actually from my 13 yr old son):

If a two legged girl works at Hooters, where does a one legged girl work?

At Ihop!

if you are an American going in to the bathroom and you are an American coming out of the bathroom, what are you in the bathroom? Your a peeing, (European)

    My brother showed this joke to me the other day and i thought it was pretty funny. Oh well here goes…

    A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

    The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

    He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

    Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

    “The funeral director,” said his wife.

Why did the teacher marry the custodian?
Because he swept her off her feet! :)

What kind of monkey explodes?

A baboom!

Why do deer nuts cost less than beer nuts? Because deer nuts are under a buck…….

What do you call a boy with no arms and legs at your front door?
Matt

Waterskiing?
Skip

Hanging on a wall?
Art…what do you call the girl holding him up? Peg

Swimming?
Bob

Please forgive me if I offended anyone…happy Monday!!!

Reading the jokes above made my Monday evening!! Some of them are just hilarious.

The only joke that sticks in my head is a blonde joke. I apologize in advance if it offends anyone.
What do you call 4 blondes standing side by side????
– A wind tunnel

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I don’t know any funny jokes but one thing that always puts a grin on my face is the ‘Charlie bit me’ clip SO ADORABLE!

Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Cow W….MOO!!!

Courtesy of Yo Gabba Gabba (Supper Cheesy, I know…but I hear it all day long.)

My kid’s favorite :

knock knock
who’s there
cows go
cows go who
no silly, cows go moo :)

My favorite…

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He’s breathing.

Why wasn’t the rocket in the cafeteria? It went home for launch! Hahaha!! My sons favorite joke :)

Two friends are golfing. One’s about to chip on to the green and notices a funeral procession. He stops mid-swing, takes off his hat and kneels down in prayer.

The other friend says “wow, that’s the most thoughtful and touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are truly a kind man.”

The friend replies “Yeah, well, we were married thirty-five years.”

I am loving reading all of these awesome jokes!

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Control freak, now you say “control freak who?”

What do you call a grizzly with no teeth? A gummy bear.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” :)

Knock! Knock!

Whose there?

Madam

Madam who?

My damn foot caught in the door

or

My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

and this one is a little dirty but funny

I went to my doctor and told him “my penis is burning.” He said, “That means somebody is talking about it.”

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAAAAINS!

My four year old daughter just told me her first joke last night, so I can’t resist sharing. :)

What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle!

A termite walked into a bar and said, “Is the bar-tender here?”

Saw this on a birthday card and it still cracks me up…

One old lady says to another old lady,

“my husband always says, ‘Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?'”

Her friend answers, ” I always say, ‘why buy the whole pig when all you want is a little sausage!'”

What’s black and white and “red” all over?

Colleen Hoover’s books!

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

Okay. . .In real life I’m a math teacher (ha ha); so here’s a math teacher joke:

What did the the acorn say when he was all grown up?

GEOMETRY!
(Gee, I’m a tree)

Hope Tuesday is better for you! My Monday wasn’t stellar, either! =)

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

The grandmother was curious.

“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.

The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”

What do u call cheese that is not yours?
Nacho cheese
My 10 yr old just told me this one!!!
Hope your Monday is getting better. :-)

oh my gosh!! just ran accross this one ( a friend sent it to me), and it’s too funny not to share.

——-

“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “i’m a professional. In over 20 years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width is was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s part, she composed herself as well as she could. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer

Ok so not so much a joke as a Norris fact…The buggy man checks his closet for Chuck Norris before he goes to bed!!!!

Why did God create men?

Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn. ;)

Me :Did you hear about those scientist that found that food thats lowers womens sex drive?

You: no what is it?

Me: wedding cake! Haha

Im glad youve done this blog my day has been butterflying horrible!

Husband and wife are having an argument in the car. Husband points out a jackass in a pasture and asks “Relation of yours?” Wife replies “Yes, by marriage!”

I think most of us are related to a jackass! Particularly by marriage :D

What did the mama bird say to the baby bird when she was tucking the baby bird into bed?

Tweet tight

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance… we’ll see about that.

———
Mother superior called the three best nuns in the convent together, and asked them each to commit a sin or do something wrong, so they could better appreciate God’s grace. Once they had completed their sin, they were to come back and report to her.

Then a little later, the first one came back and was crying.
“Why? What did you do?” asked the mother superior
“I picked flowers in the garden.”
“That’s Okay!” she exclaimed “Your sins are forgiven, go wash your hands and face in holy water.”

The nun did as told, then the second nun came, she was also crying
“Why? What did you do?”
“I stole a candy from a kid”
“Your sins are forgiven, go wash your hands and face in holy water.” Mother Superior said.
She also did as told…

Then the last nun came, but she was roaring with laughter
“Why? What did you do?” asked the mother superior sternly
“I peed in the holy water!” came the reply

So this guy is chatting with his buddy and tells him, “My sister just had twins, a boy and a girl. I got to name them”

His buddy says, “Gee that’s great! What’d you name them?”

The guy says, “I named the girl, Denice”

His buddy says, “Oh that’s not so bad. What’d you name the boy?”

“Da-nephew” ;-)

     Oh darn, it looks like someone already used the longer version of this joke. So here’s a new one:

    Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

What do cows read at bedtime?

Dairytales ;-)

Wait……silly they don’t read. They watch moooovies.

LOL I suck at telling jokes… oh, well, here goes nothing:

Simba was walking to slow so I told him Mufasa.

Get it? No? Okay. I told you I suck at this lol

How do blondes like their eggs in the morning?

Fertilized.

Two pretzels were walking down the road …… one was asSALTed

A hammered guy is stumbling down the street with one foot in the gutter and the other on the curb. A cop pulled up next to him and said, “I’ve got to take you in pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

The stumbling guy asked, “Officer, are you sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah buddy, I’m sure,” said the cop. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the drunk said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

Bwahaha…not that I’VE ever experienced this ; ) I hope it made you laugh!

Ok, tons of jokes on here, several made me LOL!!! I don’t really have a real joke, but I do have something that is really funny…well, maybe only for the people with a sense of humor like me. I was married to a man for 8 years and man alive sometimes he would irritate the absolute hell out of me!! So, over time, things got a little monotonous and I noticed that his entire day was a freaking schedule! My day was too, but my “schedule” consisted of raising 3 daughters, tending to the home, working part-time, and attending college full-time. His, aside from work, was fun stuff. One day, being the bored little wifey I went to the restroom and did a #2…not just any #2….a HUGE one! Knowing that in about 7 minutes he would be barreling through the house to pee right on schedule, I had a dirty little plan guaranteed to make me laugh! I went about my business as normal and sure enough, about 7 minutes and 12 seconds later he was headed in for his mid-morning pee pee. He, like most men, waited until the very last minute, which didn’t leave much time for error. He rushes down the hall, storms into the bathroom, raises the toilet lid, and TA-DAAA!! There he was, standing with a little something in his hand staring down at the BIGGEST #2 his eyes had ever seen!!! LOL!!! He immediately started yelling and hollering and all I could do was laugh!! Oh dang, I told you it was nasty before you ever started reading it!! Been divorced almost a year and that memory still cracks me up like no other!!! LMAO!! ;p

Ok, here goes….

While driving along one day, I noticed a chicken along the side of the road keeping pace w/ my car. Upon further inspection, I noticed it had 3 legs. I looked @ my speedometer and saw I was going 30. I sped up to 40 and the chicken kept up w/ me. I sped up to 50 and he still kept right along. Then, he peeled off down a driveway. I turned right after him and I see in the yard, a bunch of 3 legged chickens and an old man feeding them. I stopped and asked the man, where did all those chickens come from? He said his family loves chicken legs, so he did a little special breeding. So I asked him how did they taste? He said he didn’t know, he still hadn’t been able to catch one!

Ha! I thought it was pretty freaking funny.

What goes in your mouth hard & dry, but comes out soft & wet?
A piece of gum!

A guy breaks down on the side of the road, his car had run out of gas. So goes to his truck and gets out his gas can and just when he is about to start walking to the nearest gas station he is stopped by a bee. The Bee says “hey what’s wrong with your car?” the guy answers ” I ran out of gas.” The be replies “oh wait here I can help.” So the guy waits for about 10 minutes when the bee comes back with a swarm of his bee friends. The bee tell him to open up his gas tank and they all swarm in. A few minutes later then come out and the bee tells him “alright you are set to go.” The man asks, “what did you put in there?” The bee says “oh just so Bee Pee.”

HAHA Hope your Monday gets better and I hope this joke helped….LOVE IT!

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

hehehe so terrible :P

Ok, I don’t really ever remember joke except this one….

Knock, Knock…

Who’s there?

Boo

Boo Hoo?

Don’t cry, it’s only a joke!!!!

Sorry, that wasn’t so great, but I do love your books!!! Happy Monday!

Mondays do suck! Yay for July being a great month for you! this is one of my fave jokes that I always chuckle when I’m with other grad students (medieval history is my area):
The knight returned to the king’s castle with prisoners, bags of gold and other riches from his victories. “Tell me of your battles,” said the king.

“Well, sire, I have been robbing and stealing on your behalf for weeks, burning the all of the villages of your enemies in the north.”

The king was horrified. “But I have no enemies in the north,” he said.

“Well,” said the knight, “you do now.”

Boy: If I could change the alphabet, I’d put U & I together.
Girl: Oh, theres no need for that coz N & O are already next to each other

OOHH burn! (my comment, not part of the joke)

http://i754.photobucket.com/albums/xx181/Lifesremix/1zmyzdh.jpg <— just go to this picture. this is a totally different joke. Oh, and its a bit offensive :/ but i still laughed a bit :/

What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?

Damn!

When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

Melissa Rodriguez July 23, 2012 at 2:54 PM

What does a nosey pepper do???

Gets jalepeno business!!

Punch line:: There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

LoL

Not everyone is born with the talent/gift you have for writing

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it. It was a Shihtzu. ;)

I am at a conference for work and the CEO of the company for the conference told this joke today, supposedly it was the #1 joke of 1987 (the first year the conference was held)

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Madam
Madam who?
Madam foot is caught in the door

The guy said we must have really been lacking in entertainment back then especially considering the #1 song of the year was “walk like an egyption”. At least I can say I was only 3 years old and had no contribution to liking any of that stuff, not that some people won’t say the same thing about 2012 #1’s in 2037 :)

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

Ok, this one cam from my son.

Where do pencils come from?
-Pencilvania

And then my 4yr old, having heard the joke said,
Where do princesses come from? (O.o)
-Princessvania, silly!

Mine are totally lame but my kids made me laugh with them..

How does Lady Gaga like her meat?….raw raw raw

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?…Because he had no body to go with.

A man says “a dog is a man’s best friend…not his wife”
the other man says “why is that?”

lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and leave them for an hour and when you go back see which one is happy to see you.

Speaking of balls…here is my joke :)

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. “Where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” said the president, I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

I may be paraphrasing here:

A bride and her daughter went shopping to find the perfect Mother of the Bride dress for her to wear to the wedding. They soon find out that the father’s new wife has purchased the same dress for the wedding. Daughter, ever the peace keeper asks her mother if she’d like to go shopping for another dress for the wedding and return the other and her mother says, “why would I return it, it’s a beautiful dress.” Confused, her daughter asks her mother where else she could possibly wear such a fancy dress, and her mother slyly responds, “to the rehearsal dinner of course! ” The title of this joke was HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH!

How To Shower Like A Man:

1 – Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2 – Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “woo” sound.
3 – Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your “privates” and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4 – Get in the shower.
5 – Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).
6 – Wash your face.
7 – Wash your armpits.
8 – Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9 – Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10 – Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11 – Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12 – Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13 – Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14 – Pee (in the shower).
15 – Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16 – Partially dry off.
17 – Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18 – Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19 – Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20 – Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go “Yeah baby” and thrust your pelvis at her.
21 – Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!

What do you call a cow with only two legs?
Lean Beef!

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder. Destruction.

Why did God make semen white and pee yellow?

So old guys would know if they were coming ot going. :)

Yup, Mondays do suck balls

A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000.

The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

The husband turns from the paper and says, “What?”

What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?

NACHO cheese…lol

Gets me everytime!

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

The Teacher fainted.

Okay, my favorite Chuck Norris joke ever:

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, a horse is hung like Chuck Norris.

my kids favorite joke…. “Why is tigger always looking in the tolite?”
“To find Pooh”

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucket full of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room. “I’ll be right back and we’ll go to
eat,” she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the
elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall….very tall…an
intimidating figure. The woman froze.

Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought
was: Don’t be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But
racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood
and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed.
She hoped they didn’t read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she
was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious
now. Her face was flushed. She couldn’t just stand there, so with a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye
contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as
they closed.

A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn’t move. Panic consumed her. My God, she
thought, I’m trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, “Hit the floor.” Instinct told her to do
what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out
her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained
down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, “Ma’am, if
you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll push the
button.”

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head
and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused,
she struggled to her feet.

“When I told my friend here to hit the floor,” said the average sized
one, “I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor I
didn’t mean for you to hit the floor, ma’am.” He spoke genially. He
bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself. She
was humiliated to speak.. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but
words failed her.

How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for
behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn’t know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking
her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were
afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid
her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them
roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs
for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room – a dozen roses.

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card
said: “Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in years.”

It was signed;

Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

My youngest fav is: Why don’t you give a test at a zoo?
Cuz it’s full of cheatahs!

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investgator

A little author humor. ;)

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

HAPPY MONDAY!

–Shawn

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

‘Good trade…..’

What are the 2 sexiest animals on the farm?

Brown Chicken, Brown Cow (Bow Chica Bow Wow)

Really? A joke? My life. Now THAT’S a joke!!
Then the infamous “Why’d the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side!”
i know, I know but I just don’t know any.
Don’t throw money, just throw prizes!!!

Jennifer Fresnedi July 23, 2012 at 1:30 PM

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

I agree Colleen! We need laughs so I end up finding quite a lot :D

1. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

2. was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”

3. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

4. Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

Maybe they might make Monday FUN <3

Where do baby cows eat lunch?

The calf-eteria.

Fred came rushing in to his parent’s room. “Dad!” he puffed, “is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?”

“That’s what they say,” said his Dad.

“Well, give me an apple quick ? I’ve just broken the doctor’s window!”

My mom sent me that last week. My husband accidently broke our neighbor’s window. Don’t ask me how because I still don’t know the answer. He is still blaming Reggie… our new boxer puppy.

Ok, this one is kinda lame, but I love to tell it when I’m tipsy:
A guy walks into a bar…
OUCH!

What is a frog’s favorite shoe?

An open toad shoe.

So, a grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper replies, “Really, you’ve got a drink named Steve?” :)

How did the square become a circle?

He cut corners.

How do bulls drive cars?

They steer them.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”

The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”

She frowned and said, “The postman.” “Why the postman?” “Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

Some love to Mr. Chuck Norris ;)

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic

Two church members, going door-to-door, knocked on the door of a woman who was less than happy to see them. After telling them in no uncertain terms that she had no desire to hear their message, she slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door didn’t close and, in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result – the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people had to be sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Suddenly, one of them said, “Lady, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.”

chuck norris can speak spanish in three different languages.

There use to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed cause nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris has a grizzy bear on his living room floor.
It’s not dead, it’s just afraid to move.

Have you ever seen a butterfly cry?
No, but I’ve seen a moth bawl.
Had to go with a butterfly joke, hope it earns me points. Hope your day gets better <3

My husband hears jokes all the time, and tells me one almost every day. But most of them are racist, and I don’t want to come off as one so here is a more mellow one.

The teacher went around the room and asked everyone what their dads did and how to spell it.
She called on a little girl first. “My daddy is a baker. B-A-K-E-R. Baker”
Next she called on the little boy next to her. “My daddy is an electrician. Elct….”
The teacher said “Don’t worry about it.”
She calls on the boy behind him. “My dads a bookie. And he’d bet 20 to 1 odds that that little bastard will never be able to spell electrician.”

So not a joke but am using the same I posted for BA

Nickleback:
The act of singing or yelling while taking a large and painful crap.
exp. “I had to nickleback in your bathroom a minute ago. Sorry about the mess”

There’s this really mean substitute teacher I have who likes the room absolutely silent even if you have a question. If you talk she always yells, “Why do I hear sounds?”
My friend of course is a smartass and mutters, ˝Because you have ears!˝

So no, it’s not really a joke, but a situation that when it repeats itself, has me laughing.

No joke needed with this but a smile is guaranteed. http://youtu.be/RP4abiHdQpc

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t start pulling ourselves together soon, people are going to start thinking we’re nuts!

Okay so here is one i found:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’

LOL! :D

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”

Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”

The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

What do you call a YEAST INFECTION?……..SOUR CREAM! OH (badoom ching)

Reward For Goodness

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question.
If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….
Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat
on your wife?”
The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband.
I never cheated on my wife.”
The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in,
but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion
and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat
on your wife?”
The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.”
The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you
cheat on your wife?”
The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.”
The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness,
you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked.
“You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied,
“I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago,
and she was riding a skateboard!”

Knock! Knock!
Who’s There?
Armada.
Armada who?
Armada told us there’d be days like this.

{hehehehe}

i so totally have no joke, i cannot ever remember the one’s i am told, and quite honestly i have a hell of a time thinking they are funny,
i have been searching some, and came across these, i thought they were pretty good,
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, “Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.”

The father thought some and said, “Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m capitalism because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.”

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.

Because he couldn’t do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.”

“Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?”

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of shit.”

it took me a minute to figure this next one out :D

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, “That’s it! No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, “No butter for you for one month!”

Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

To which Johnny said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”

and finally….

It was the 1st day of of 1st grade for Little Johny and he was really excited. In class his teacher said: “Now that we’re all grown-up we aren’t going to use little baby talk anymore. Instead we’re going to use “Grown-up” words! Now who would like to start by telling about their summer?”

A girl named Suzie was waving her hand so the teacher called on her. She said: “This summer I rode a choo-choo! ”

The teacher said “No.. we don’t say choo-choo, say “train” Remember to use Grown-Up Words.? Now who’s next?”

Little Johny was called on and he replyed “This summer I went to Disneyland and saw Winnie the Shit!”

now i give up, i wish i remembered some on my own, and not a dummy who has to look these up, ah, oh well…. hope you like.

What do you call it when your dog is having a bad dream?

A bitemare!

A writer comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-charred wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, Doug, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Susie is…”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”

ok so here’s one of my granbabies favorites!!

Knock Knock

Whos there?

Mycargo

mycargo who?

mycargo beep beep!!!

How does a poet sneeze?
Haiku!

*second attempt… Looks like my other joke was added while i was typing! No gloomy days!

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”

Q. Why don’t blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit outta the dog.

This is in honor of Caulder & Kel’s snowman…

What’s the difference between snowboys and snowgirls?

Snowballs

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To get to your house.
*Knock Knock*
Who’s there?
The Chicken!

Hahaha… This one always gets me…..

* not a joke here…
our dryer is on the fritz … So now my Monday is ughhhh! But then I went and read some jokes!!!! Made me laugh outloud! Great idea Colleen!
P.s. I went to a couple of bookstores to buy the books… But nobody has them!! ” print on demand” so now i really want to win them…

Man walks into a bar……ouch! Hehe

Really stupid but it makes me giggle

OMG never knew there was a merchandise shop…WOW I see some great stuff in there..the pajama!!! the shirts and the womens boy brief hahaha..BEMAZING!!! wish I lived in the US :(

Googled Butterfly jokes – took me a while, but found one I thought would make you laugh! :-)

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

“That was a honey bee,” his father said,”one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week.”

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
“That was a butterfly,” his father said, “one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week.”

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate
his plain toast (no honey and butter.)

Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her or
should I?

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam!!!

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

What do gay horses eat?
Heeeeey!

WET AND WILD

Girl: I’m so wet now!

Boy: And I’m really shivering madly! Open it, open it!

Girl: I can’t spread it open! Uhh, it’s so hard.

Boy: C’mon, I can’t wait any longer.

Girl: Ahh, ahh, there! Uhh, it feels so good!

Boy: Yeah! Good thing we were able to open the umbrella! Otherwise we would get sick in this rain.

My best joke is me trying g to tell a joke. Never works!

So what’s worse than seeing a worm in your apple?

Half a worm !!!
Hhaaaaaa ew!

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

THUNDERPANTS!
Lol love your books and am patiently waiting for the next!!!

Two elderly ladies Ethel and Josie are driving down the road when Ethel runs a red light. Josie kind of looks over at her friend but doesn’t say anything because we all make mistakes. Ten minutes later, Ethel runs another red ligh now Josie is getting a bit concerned so she starts to really watch her friend. In about 15 minutes they come to another red light and Ethel blows right through it. So Josie says, “Ethel what the hell is wrong with you? That’s the 3rd red light you’ve ran.” Ethel looked at Josie all wide eyed and said, “Me? Hell I thought you were driving!!!”

Ok this one is old but it’s my favorite.

2 muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other: “Man it’s hot in here.”

The second muffin says: “oh my god, a talking muffin!”

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? :
Doughnuts.

The surgeon who tied my tubes told me this one, so I take no credit or backlash…here goes:

Why do witches not wear underwear? To get a better grip on the broom.

Again…this is a pass along joke…don’t throw tomatoes at me!

Here’s my bad joke. Lol

How do you make a hankey dance?

Put a little boogy in it!

I teach kindergarten and I heard this from one of my kiddos last year:

Why did Tigger look in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh :)

What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?
“You Beat It, and I’ll cumma cumma cum.”

Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7, 8, 9!

Monday’s do suck – and it’s raining here. This made me giggle, have a better day!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue.

“Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a fucking asshole.”

Im horrible at jokes, but this one seems appropriate and funny!!!

How do you make a butterfly ?
Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife !

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

My son’s favorite when he was 6 yrs old: How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put a little boogie in it! *jazz hands*

Why do you only want to put 239 beans in your soup?

Because if you put one more they will be 2-farty. hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted. :D Have a better monday!!

Okay…my neice loves this:

What is a pirates favorite letter?
You would think it’s an R (aaargh), but it’s really the C (sea)!

And it must be said using a pirate voice!!

A french fry walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey, could I get a beer, please? The bartender looks at him shaking his head and says, “No, we don’t serve food here.”

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me!

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because she was feeling crumby!

That was my daughter’s first joke/riddle that made sense! Now she’s almost 17 and we tease her about it.

Two young boys were helping their mom decorate cupcakes. They used silver candy ball, which the boys called “beebees”. The boys kept eating them as they went along, and the mom was worried they’d run out, so she warned them if they kept eating them they’d pee beebees all night long.
Later that night, the littlest boy ran out of the restroom and yelled “Mommy, Mommy! I’m peeing beebees!” She was reading and also used to the child’s vivid imagination, so she said “That’s nice dear, go back to bed.”
About 20 minutes later, he returned to her side. “Mommy, Mommy! I’m peeing beebees!”
“Back to bed, Son.”
About 10 minutes passed and the older brother appeared at her side.
“I know, I know. You’re peeing beebee’s, right?” Mom asked.
“No…I was jacking off and shot the dog.”

This is my 3 year old’s favorite joke this week:
Knock-Knock?
Who’s there?
Barbie?
Barbie who?
Barbie-Q-Chicken. :)

This is the dirtiest joke I can tell my kids so I figure it is safe for here too :-)

A bear and a rabbit were going to the bathroom in the forest. The bear asks the rabbit if he ever has problems with “doo-doo” sticking to his fur. The rabbit replies by say “no.” So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

Christine Calderon July 23, 2012 at 12:36 PM

This amuses me :p

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

Jenni Huffenberger July 23, 2012 at 12:36 PM

My favorite, and it’s five-year-old-boy appreciated, which is important at my house!

What did the momma tomato say to the baby tomato?

Ketchup!

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

:: a little graphic design humor :)

Knock Knock
Who’s there
Boo
Boo who
Don’t cry, it’s just me
My 6 year olds favorite to tell

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint and says “Can you make me one with everything?” LOL
It’s my exactly my favorite but a guy at work told it to me just last week :-P

ur right. Mondays do suck balls!– not to mention it is pissing down rain today, so i am going to have to entertain my 3 kids indoors- yikes!!! that’s the biggest joke ever and there is no butterflying punchline…. sorry. So happy writing. You ROCK!!!!

    ok pity party over.. here’s my joke What should you do if your teacher rolls her eyes at you? Pick them up and roll them back to her.
    (my 9 yr old loves this because I am a teacher)

What is the difference between a frog and a Horny toad???

The frog say “ribbit ribbit”
And the horny toad says “rubbit rubbit”
;)
Corny but it’s my fav joke ever!

What’s a cats favorite dessert?
Mice cream!

What’s long and hard and full of seamen???

A submarine

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels!

My kids really like that one. (I lied, it’s my favorite)

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